Why don't we chuck out Upper Hutt and Lower Hutt, and go with Whakatiki and Te Awakairangi?

But seriously - why don't we just chuck out Upper Hutt and Lower Hutt, and go with our cities' real and beautiful names, Whakatiki and Te Awakairangi?

I mean, what have we got to lose? Our reputation as an international tourist destination?

OK. Let's back up the Holden a moment.

Our cities are named in English after a self-important old white guy from England, William Hutt. Hutt was a person who just went round and claimed things, like whoever took my yoghurt out of the ****ing fridge at work. No one needs that kind of negativity.

Colonisers gave their names to stuff because they believed themselves more intellectually sophisticated than Māori. This was demonstrated by the powerful originality and lateral thinking that produced the names 'Upper Hutt' and 'Lower Hutt'.

Good work, team.

The local legacy of self-important old white guys continued into modern times. I offer you the example of Naenae born-and-bred Bob Jones: a man I wish someone would make a statue of, simply so it could be thrown in a river.

I guess I'm suggesting that a bit of rebranding might do us some good.

The 'All Hutts Matter' crowd are going to have a field day with my politically correct post. Names don't matter, they'll say, while weeping over their preferred one, like a child deprived of a toy. Or they'll insist the English names are right because ... they've always been there. (Yep. It's that colonial intellectual sophistication again.)

Got a problem with my kōrero? I say, bring it. If living in the Hutt Valley has taught me anything, it's aggressively giving the fingers to dicks who don't stop for me at pedestrian crossings, although the relevance of this point to my post is not clear to me at this time.

Much of this is tongue in cheek, of course. I'm not disparaging our towns, although Lower Hutt is certainly rubbish.

But I am suggesting that identity matters, for people and for places - and people and places are inseparable, intertwined.

There are things about this place I live that fill me with awe. The river, as I walk its edges. The maunga, as I climb it. The forest, as I breathe it.

The wedges at the Upper Hutt Cossie Club. They put BACON on that shit.

I think we can change. And I think we should. I believe we can offer the tangata whenua the same care they offered us, when they let us share their home.

So c'mon, Hutt people - let's make this a thing. I reckon we will lose nothing, only gain.

I mean, it's not like anyone's saying we can't wear our PJs to Pak n Save anymore.